August 17th.

I woke up this morning and literally did not know what day it was. Pete told me it was Tuesday...and within a few hazy moments I realized what day it was.  It is August 17th.  A date that I will never forget as long as I live.

Nine years ago today, my entire world was both destroyed and reborn at the same time.  I slept in too late.  I went to the second day of school of my sophomore year.  I ate Subway for lunch.  I met my future sister-in-law.  I spent a couple hours on the phone with my best friend.  And my mother passed away.

Nine years ago today, my brothers suddenly looked different to me.  I find that no matter how old they get, I always picture their faces in my mind the way they looked that night. That was the night that I found out exactly why God blessed me with those big football players - I needed their immense strength to hold me up.

Nine years ago today, I experienced the last day of my childhood.  I woke up on August 17th as a 15 year old.  I woke up on August 18th as an adult.  And I woke up today as a woman, a mother, and a soon-to-be wife who still misses her Mommy.

Planning my wedding without my mom is something that brings me pain all the time.  She was buying things for my future wedding when I was 10.  From what I have learned since her death, I now know that she knew she would not be around to see me as a bride.  She knew she would not be here to fight with me over my wedding dress, to help me choose flowers, or to pin my veil into my hair.  I cannot imagine the kind of pain she felt by knowing this.  On the other hand, I always pictured her being there.  And even though it's been nine years without her, and I have already been a bride and had a wedding without her many years ago, it is still hard to face the reality that she will not be there in person when Pete and I are married.

However, she will be there in spirit.  Her photo will be placed in a locket and tied to my bouquet, along with the heirloom wedding ring she gave to me a few weeks before her death.  Her seat will remain empty, and little Ryan will place a rose there in her honor.  And in the last few minutes before the ceremony, I will privately join with my brothers for a prayer to remember her.  She will be there.

As every August 17th passes each year, it amazes me how much has changed since the year before.  It amazes me how much more I grow into the kind of woman my mother was, and how much closer I feel to her as I get older.  As much as it hurts to remember this date, I look forward to it each year.  It marks one more year that I have survived. One more year that I have grown.  One more year of learning to understand the woman she was.  One less year that I have to live without her.  That's a good feeling.

"Every now and then, the softest breath upon my skin, I feel you come back again, and it's like you haven't been gone a moment from my side, like the tears were never cried, like the hand of time are holding you and me. There are more than angels watching over me, oh I believe." 

I love you Mama.
August, 17th 2010.